31 March 2009
at the tender age of 9, my mother and i had a conversation about sex. she did all the talking and i did all of the listening. the conversation went like this:
"if you mess around with a boy and get pregnant, you will be sent away to California and never see me again."
can you imagine the look on my 9 yr old face? i was scared to death! California had just become a Vietnamese POW camp. from that day on my greatest fear in life has been the miracle of birth. unlike my teenage counterparts, i waited to lose my virginity mostly because of my mother's damning message. so now that i am in my 30's, i still hear my mother's voice but now she is asking for grandkids. i do want children, but i told myself that i wanted to be married before i did that. i know you don't have to be married to have kids, but it is what i want for me and my future children. so when i heard the men on the radio say that a woman with no kids and not married in her mid to late 30's was abnormal, i was angry.
on my favorite morning show (The Bert Show), they have guys come in and answer the questions of women callers. the men are told to be honest because the women want the truth. i do not even recall what the young ladies question was but i do remember the answer.
"if she is around 30 and has no kids and never been married, that is cool. if she is closer to 39 and doesn't have kids and never been married, that sends up all kinds of red flags."
"she must be doing something wrong if no one wants to marry her."
"that is just abnormal, ya know?"
don't we women have enough to deal with? now you are telling me that i am on the way to being less appealing to men? i know that all men don't subscribe to this notion, but what type of message are we sending to young women. it's back to the "old maid" adage that has plagued women for centuries.
my mother was married at 19 and had me by 24. at 19 i was a sophomore in college and at 24, i was drinking and partying to my hearts content. nowhere in my equation could i squeeze in a kid or husband. times have changed greatly, but to put a 1950's philosophy on a 2009 woman is unrealistic and unfair. in my mind, i was being told that if i had no husband or children that i was not fulfilling my life's purpose.
my mother always stressed to me as a child that education comes first, so that meant a family had to wait. so now that i have a career and no husband or kids, should i feel like something is wrong with my life? if i am healthy and happy with my life, why would you look at me differently because i am unmarried and childless? it is unnecessary for you to project your views and prejudices on me. think about the stigma this concept places on women who cannot physically have children? i know women in that situation and it has always effected their security in relationships. what ever happened to getting to know people before you place them in a category? i always looked at men that were did not have a wife and kids as single. i get to miss out on the baby mama drama or the ex-wife stalker. so why are women with the same characteristics looked at in a negative light? i guess my window to nab a man and baby is closing quickly. men must not know that women over 32 get this message everyday from their mothers.
i have decided to disregard the conversation i heard on the radio and chock it up as fodder for the shallow and ignorant. i am going to get off my soapbox now and get back to my soon to be abnormal life. let me know what you think about this particular topic.
22 March 2009
i met the "guy with long locs" the unconventional way, online. we talked via the internet and then by phone almost daily. we communicated for few weeks before we actually decided to meet each other in person. when that time presented itself, he suggested we do dinner and a movie.....at my house. of course i was a little disappointed, this was not my idea of a first date. but i let it slide and opted for the home visit. even though there was no chemistry between us, he turned out to be a cool dude and a good friend.
after that incident, i met a few guys out and about in Atlanta. i thought i was finally going to get my "date" on. no such luck....womp, womp, womp. almost every guy that i encountered wanted to do the "home visit". gentlemen please understand that is NOT a date. the definition of the word date (verb) is "to go OUT socially." i think we all know what the important word is in that statement. i just want dudes to understand that i live in my house, i see it everyday, and just because you are in it doesn't make it look any different. i need some atmosphere with my date, not a reminder that i did not finish my laundry when i realize there are no clean hand towels for the bathroom. DAYUMIT!!!! my homegirl said that unless there is an established relationship, coming to the house to chill is out of the question. for example, my boyfriend and i have been together the for a minute and we have "date night". it entails dinner and a movie on-demand at the house (we are in a recession). this is an appropriate "date" because we are done courting, but this is by no means the way to begin a relationship.
i ask guys all the time:
"why don't you want to take her out?" " is she ugly?" " is she just the jump off?" " why can't you go to dinner with this chick?"
and most of the time the answer is the same: "its too much work to date."
i once told a guy that he was lazy. now he proceeded to go off on me about his 2 jobs and what he does and that he is not a lazy man. nowhere in my statement to him did i mention employment or activity. so i asked him a few questions to prove my point.
me: "when you go out do you approach women?"
me: "so women approach you a lot?"
me: "so do you make the 1st phone call after you meet someone?"
him: "naw, i let her call me."
me: "so women blow up your phone?"
(as you can tell he is not the brightest light bulb in the box, but he is really nice looking)
based on conversation, i concluded that he puts forth no effort when it comes to dating. he shows no initiative and almost expects the woman to do everything. so he is definitely not taking you ANYWHERE on a first date. and i know all men are not like this, but this male subgroup seems to be growing rapidly. so now i need women to admit their contribution to the problem.
a guy once told me that some women don't require much and so they just don't give it. so ladies, when he suggest the "home visit", don't giggle and think its cute, JUST SAY NO! (c) Nancy Reagan. ladies no not be afraid to request an "outing" (keyword OUT). if he isn't interested in a real "date", then maybe he should be seeing someone who doesn't require too much work. ladies don't fall for the "no money" excuse either. there are plenty of free things to do in your area. there are parks, museums, free concerts, free movie screenings, happy hours with free food and reduced drink prices.....i know we are in a recession. here is a book that might help you out a bit with your choices. be proactive and don't allow the guy to make all the decisions. if he asked what you want to do, have a few suggestions. don't be demanding and pushy about it, just be prepared. restaurant.com for my female foodies who like good cuisine on their dates. so now you are fully prepared when the time comes.
so lets recap:
- home visits are a no go unless the courting phase has ended
- dudes don't be lazy, work a lil bit to please the ladies
- ladies be prepared with creative suggestions