its a new year, so i have decided to try a few new things. instead of resolutions this year, i have set goals for myself. most of them realistic and achievable. i am putting them in my blog as a reminder of what i need to work on. so here goes:

1. obtain a passport and possibly use it 
2. learn fluent Portuguese 
3. purchase a new vehicle 
4. maintain a workout routine 
5. eat healthier 
6. become a redhead - which I am most excited about 
7. create a writing routine 

this list is to keep me accountable and so you all can remind me when i am not keeping up with my list.

Dreams of Effing an NFL Dude

the man in the above photo is Darnell Dockett and i am lightweight stalking him. i say lightweight because i'm just following him on Twitter and sometimes send him messages. for the past year, he has been the number one selection on my Hump Day Hottie list (a position that he appreciates). some of you may look at this picture and think he is an okay looking dude, but believe me - HE is the finest thing God has breathed life into. but his physical attractiveness is not the only reason i like him. he's a kick ass football player and that gets me more excited than the partial nudes of him on the interwebs.  

all of my friends know that i love football and football players. my father only has girls and chose to teach me the game of football. nowadays lots of women say they like football, but its mostly a talking point to gain the interest of some man. guys assume that about me, but when they can't reach me on Sunday afternoons or Monday nights, they get the idea that i'm real with my football love. how many women do you know cry after the Super Bowl? not because my beloved Patriots lost to those stanking ass Giants, but it means no more football until August!!! i'm starting to get anxious as i type because i am anticipating the season ending.

i need people to understand my football passion.

• i broke my first collarbone in elementary school. i didn't understand the concept of touch football and being the defensive monster that i am, when she caught the ball i popped her. by the time we graduated high school, she still had not forgiven me for the injury. 
• my hero growing up was Lawrence Taylor. i wanted to be able to smash on quarterbacks the way he did. but i had one problem, i was a girl and girl didn't play football.
• when i moved to Atlanta, i contemplated trying out for the female football league. And every year i try to get a group of people to play flag football with me. i have been unsuccessful thus far.
• my ideal date: football all day on Sunday with wings & beer ... no talking please sir!!!

now that you comprehend how serious it is, my dreams of DOING a dude that plays football are just fantasy to say the least. you see, there is not enough ass and titties in my football. in my warped mind, my overwhelming passion for the game would turn a football player on. ummm, not so much. most of them want cheerleaders or chicks that look like cheerleaders and that is definitely not me. the chick that married Morris Chestnut in "The Best Man", that was who I wanted to be. having a strong knowledge of the game and snagging a sexy player at the same time seemed logical. but i think i've been hustling backwards. here is why:

• my window of opportunity has closed for current players. those dudes are like my little brothers, all young and shit. so i have to look at former player or coaches for that matter (Heeeeeeeey Herm Edwards!!!)
• i did not attend a Big 10/SEC/ACC/Big East college to get the jump on them before they were in the league. some of my boys from JMU played in the league, but they were my friends. i should have spent more time at William & Mary trying to get at Darren Sharper.
• and even though i'm long in the tooth, i still don't have enough ass and titties.

so my dreams of effing an NFL dude are just that, dreams. and because of those dreams, i have started NFL Boyfriends on Sundays. it is an expose' of all the players that could possible have me if they asked, again a fantasy, but its all good dirty fun. i'm sure that some of these men now have fans they did not expect because of MY exploitation ... i mean exposure. (you guys can thank me later) as long as football is good and the NFL quits implementing these stupid ass rules that prevent defensive players from doing their jobs, i will watch and lust.

What do YOU want?

"What do YOU want?"
anyone who knows me understands my love for talking. but when asked this question, i was rendered speechless. mostly because i realized in that moment that no had ever asked me that question. of course at Christmas, my birthday and at drive thru's, but no man showing interest in me has ever asked about my wants. the even sadder part of the dialogue was that i had no answer, i was clueless as to what i wanted.


lately i have been having conversations via Twitter about lists that people have made regarding their wants in an ideal mate. i have never made one of those lists after watching Kamillah on "The Real World Boston" showcase her list of about 150 requirements for a mate. i found the idea absolutely ridiculous. in an effort to buck the system that was swarming around me, i never created a list, not in a diary and not even in my head. i was being liberal in thought, willing to accept people for who they were or at least who they presented themselves to be. but because i had no set list of what i wanted, i was just dipping my toe is all sorts of different ponds. well now this late in the game, i decided to create a list. (this list is not for public consumption)

my newly created list is based on things that i have encountered that i did not enjoy, instead of the immature things i wished for in high school. i think i was the only girl at 16 who shunned dudes her own age because they didn't have cars and jobs. D'oh! and at that time, it made perfect sense to me. oh i forgot to mention they also had to be over six feet tall. Al B.Sure fit all of my requirements, so he was who I was shooting for. this new list of wants strays away from the physical and material and mainly focuses on the character and beliefs of the man.

 i'm not in the business of giving men road maps to me, but i now have a clear view of what i want. and i think that i deserve what i want moving forward in life. if you don't have what you want, what is the purpose?

What did you just call me??

if you have read my previous blog posts, you may recall my reference to the "2 minute, short short man". for those who don't know about him, he was a young man whom i dated after my graduation from college. i later found out that he never really liked me. reason i know, because he told me to my face. he was the first man whose home i wanted to set ablaze with a can of gas and a lit cigarette. never mind the fact that i don't smoke nor did i want to go to prison for arson.

2mssm (2 minute short short man) was introduced to me by my best guy friend in the world. i have known him since i was eight years old and this dude was one of his boys. i knew he rolled with male whores but this dude seemed a little different. he had several qualities i looked for in a man, but i soon realized he was a selfish ass. how did i figure that out? lack of orgasms in my sex life, but this blog is not about that. i want to talk about introductions. when you start a new relationship you are super excited to introduce him/her to your friends. you are careful about when it’s done and the words you use when bringing that new person into your circle.

my good friend, who introduced me to 2mssm, was finally settling down and marrying a girl I actually liked. there was no way i was going to miss this event. most of my family would also be in attendance, including my parents. i was given a heads up that 2mssm was going to make an appearance with his fiancé' on his arm. at this point, 2mssm was dead in my mind. when i am done, men no longer exist in my mind. somewhere there was a funeral where his family wept and then they put him in the ground six feet deep. i know that's extreme but it's MY coping mechanism.

i wasn't sweating the situation because i had just started dating someone and he was definitely coming to the event with me. *fast forward to wedding day* sooooo my new boyfriend could not make the trip to Baltimore, but i wore my brave face to the wedding. between the actually ceremony and the reception, there was cocktail hour. most people were mingling, saying hello to people they had not seen in a while. i grabbed a drink with my parents and we started our family gossip session when it happened.

i saw them out of the corner of my eye and knew i had to acknowledge their presence when my mother made the "something smells like shit" face.  so i turned to face the most awkward situation in my post college life. i fixed my face and turned for "the introduction".

me: Hi
2mssm: Hey girl! How are you?
me: I'm good and you?
2mssm: I'm good. This is my fiancé' (didn't catch her name).
me: Hi, nice to meet you.
2mssm: This is the girl I told you about. She used to hook me and (my good friend) up at the movie theatre.
WHAT THE F*CK??!!
i immediately looked at my mother's face after the words left his mouth. she started to rise up off her bar stool but my dad grabbed her by the forearm. my mother never liked this dude and actually thought about running him over once when she saw him in the grocery store parking lot. my face let her know that it was okay, he was trying to save face in front of (blah blah, still don't remember her name).
me: well it was good seeing you.
this was my way of ending the conversation, but you wanted to know where i was working, what i had been up to etc. because i am not rude and it was my friend's wedding, i entertained him. but as soon as he was out of ear shot, there was a field day had. not only had this man insulted me to save his own ass, he invoked the rage of my entire family (because you know that i told them).

the rest of the wedding went on without a hitch and my friend never knew about that "introduction" until a year or two later.  i always replay how i could have responded to his statement.

me: hey mr. small penis!! how is it hanging??!!
or
shaking his fiancé’s hand
me: congratulations on the bad sex!!!

but that would have made for an awkward scene on an otherwise beautiful day.

so why did i write this blog? to let people know that you can take the high road and come out looking good, but that doesn't mean your feelings won't be hurt. i pride myself on giving the illusion that i could give two fucks about a situation (most of the time that is not true). i care more than i should most times. but my mother taught me to never let them see you sweat because then they know they got you. if i had acted on my feelings when he introduced me to his fiancé', i would probably still be serving time in a Baltimore County prison. blacking out would have been an understatement.

so my advice to ladies is to keep a calm head. yes slashing tires and punching faces gives you an immediate high, but you are the one that winds up looking bad. i have a strong belief in karma and i know that it exists. you see when 2mssm got married, he did not have enough money to pay for his wedding, wasn't smart enough to get a marriage license before the ceremony and wound sleeping on his in laws floor while paying THEIR mortgage. *smiles*

Congratulations girl on that bad marriage!!!!!!

Flirt Smarter not Harder - The SMILE

When your mother harassed you to brush and floss frequently, there was positive motivation behind it. Who wants to look at badly discolored and crooked teeth?  Women don’t want that in a future mate, so make sure your teeth sparkle. A lady’s smile is one of her most important assets. So remember to get those checkups regularly.  Now here’s how you use that smile.

The Laughing Smile:  This flirting technique is self explanatory. In conversation, you want to let a man know that you are interested. If you are truly amused by his commentary, laugh and then smile afterward. This smile will signify your sincerity. Some women try the fake laugh but cannot maintain the smile that follows, because it’s all false.  Be genuine in your approach and this will be the quickest way to show interest in a man.

 The Slight Smile:  Bashfulness is what this smile will project.  Ladies, instead of a full or large smile, just smile halfway. It is still a smile and expresses interest, but not the eagerness that a full toothy smile will convey. Again this is one of the easier flirting method. It can be done anywhere at all times:  the frozen food section in Kroger, the stop light or even in the gym. 

The Glossy Lip:  In the past it was the pouty red lip that was popular and symbolized a sexy mouth. Today gloss is the new red. Lip gloss can be purchased everywhere, Wal-Mart, Walgreens, Ulta. Gloss comes in different shades, if color is what you crave. A simple tube of Wet N Wild $1 clear gloss will do the job.  There is something about shiny lips that men seem to be drawn to.

Now that you have all of these tips on how to use all parts of your body to flirt, you have to create combinations that will work in different scenarios.  Maybe a slight smile and an eyelash bat will work best in a bar scene. Or the laughing smile and the inanimate object touch will be better for a dinner date. 

These tips are not for the shy or faint of heart. The reaction that it may generate may be overwhelming especially if you are a flirting novice.  Before you decide to take on the task of flirting smarter, observe the women around you who seem to have men flocking in their direction. Not the young lady with her breasts and booty hanging out, but the full dressed woman who has been approached by several men.  The key to great flirting is to be aware of your body and how people react to the ways you move it. Focus on your flirting actions and notice where men focus their attention. When you are acquainted with the man’s focal point, work those flirting tips until you have achieved your intended goal.